Facebook night out

ave you ever been on a Facebook night out?
Have you ever understood a single question I've ever asked?
Okay, ask yourself this.
Have you been on a night out where you cannot do a single thing without needing to smile and say cheese for the cameras? You buy a burger and somebody excitedly says 'let's take a picture of you with a burger.' You take a sip of a drink and you have to look all happy. You stand at the toilet and whip it out and...
Okay maybe I'm confusing my nights.
Anyway you return home thinking 'never again,' have a quick browse on the net and your ugly mug (I'm talking about you, not me) is already staring back at you with captions like 'best night ever' 'had so much fun.'
I think I must be getting old and grumpy. Okay, I am old and grumpy.
But do we have to prove to the world what a great time we are all having?

Thinking outside the box

Now, 'thinking outside the box' is most definitely a cliche, unless of course you are outside a box and having a good old think, in which case it is merely a description.
Anyway, back to planet earth.
When I was sixteen a sent a letter to The Daily Mail. It got published and I earnt myself a fiver. It was the Junior Letters section, and to make the letter look more impressive, I said that I was fourteen rather than sixteen.
'Thinking outside the box,' my dad said.
'Lying little cheat,' my mum said.
What relevance is all this, I hear you ask.
Very little, I secretly think.
I am going to interview an avid reader, as opposed to an avid writer. Why? Because they are a vital piece of the jigsaw. Does a tree falling in a forest make a noise if nobody hears it? Would writers write if there were no readers?
I think it will be fascinating, and of interest to both readers and writers.
Thinking outside the box?
I'm not sure, but it sounds good either way.

Weighing Scales

On the way to the concert last night I put a 20p in a weighing scales.
Now I know I've been watching my weight recently, but when it said I was 6 stone, I knew the machine was faulty.
No getting that 20p back!
It reminded me of the time I pulled the ticket out of the machine and was distraught that I'd put on 2 stone.
Jeez, I thought, must cut out on the pizza!
I checked the ticket again and was surprised that I'd shrunk 3 inches in height, too.
I was shrinking away, I thought!
It dawned on me then that the last guy had left his ticket in the machine.
When my ticket came through, I'd actually lost a pound.
See, a happy-ending story for you.

Backstreet Boys

I have been suffering with some very serious man-flu this week. Women just don't understand just how serious the illness is.
Yesterday morning my friend (yes, I do have a few) asked how I was feeling.
"Not too great," I replied. "But I need to Man Up as I'm going to watch the Backstreet Boys tonight," and even as the words came out of my mouth, I was very aware that 'Man Up' and 'watch Backstreet Boys' should not be uttered in the same sentence.
In my defence, I was escorting the wife, who is a big fan.
Besides, I had a great time, so leave me alone!!!

Line of the day

I was having chat the other day about the perils of team leadership.
"When I was team leader I think I was too soft," the lady said, taking a gulp of coffee. "The staff used to take advantage of me."
Ah right, I said, feigning interest.
"Yes," she continued. "One of them took advantage of my nice nature and slept with my husband."
I almost choked on my Mr Tom bar.
I never saw that one coming.

Catfish

Oh my days....!
Have you seen the MTV show Catfish?
If not, I'm going to tell you about it. If you have, I'm going to tell you about if anyway.
Just listen up and stop the moaning.
Right, the show brings together couples who have been having an online relationship but have yet to meet in the flesh.
Sometimes when they link, it is everything they hoped for. They hold hands, go for walks in the park and Celine Dion starts singing in the background.
I said sometimes for a reason.
What usually happens is that the beautiful lady from the online profile turns out to be a bloke with more body hair than an oranutang on steroids.
Hearts are broken, tears are spilled and it makes for painfully addictive viewing.
I'm fascinated with all the digital communications. False profiles appear to be more common than you think. People seem to be hiding away from their own unhappy lives and creating their own imaginary personas.
I find it rather terrifying.
I have already written a short story covering the subject and I am developing the Idea for my novel.
If you are interested in a subject it makes it so much easier to write about.

Shopping

Went shopping yesterday with my wife.
"What did you buy?" I was asked.
"A book, some clothes...oh, and a manual operated breast pump," I said.
Silence.